


When Hearts Like Ours Meet

by papyrus4sirus



Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (Comics), The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Character Study, M/M, Manipulation, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-14
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-08 11:51:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8843731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/papyrus4sirus/pseuds/papyrus4sirus
Summary: Carl has to deal with the consequences of his actions but how deep do they run and who do they affect?





	1. One

Ricks weakness used to linger with Carl like a bad taste. Carl’s achingly familiar with his own poorly developed coping mechanisms when it comes to watching his father shut down. He usually ends up taking matters into his own hands, which is exactly how he found himself at Negan’s mercy.

His botched attempt at killing Negan quickly and effectively provided Carl with a new-found appreciation for his father’s fear and what that so-called weakness really entailed.

But inside Carl’s home, or what serves as one, Negan seems less frightening; ridiculous would even be a more apt description but Carl knows better.

Negan’s grin is dashing in the reflection of the medicine cabinet as he admires his clean-shaven face. He runs his hand along his jaw as if it’s a luxury he hasn’t had in years which Carl knows to be untrue. Negan suddenly grips Carl’s shoulder to pull him in front of the mirror so they’re both admiring their likenesses. Carl is somber, staring into the eyes of the reflected Negan who smiles as animated as ever. Carl can’t help but think they resemble a mock family photo, maybe this is Negan’s intention. Playing house, claiming things that aren’t his like wives, friends and supplies. He could be Rick, that smile says. He could have all of this, he could have anything he wanted.

Carl is keenly aware of the deceptively gentle hand that lingers at his shoulder, the one that is capable of agony and death without a moment’s hesitation. The pressure on his tendons is firm and guiding, Carl wonders how much longer they’re supposed to stare at themselves. Finally, Negan chuckles and slowly releases his grip; his hand lazily trails down part of Carl’s arm before resting securely at Negan’s side.

“Come on, kid. Let’s make spaghetti!” Negan’s insufferable, a bastard who should have died face down in the dirt.

But instead he’s alive and Carl leads him to the kitchen. Every insult, every scathing thought he’s had about his father is becoming a distant memory. Carl mostly gets it now, he’s in the same spot as his dad but there’s no denying that all of this just makes him want to fight back harder. He knows Rick wouldn’t advocate for that.  

Negan dismisses Olivia, asking her to take Judith somewhere other than where he and Carl will be cooking.

Negan leans in close to show Carl how to make dinner rolls from scratch. Negan is a master of crowding Carl’s personal space. Whenever it happens Carl is left with a strange sensation, something that feels at odds with his hatred for the man. It’s both uncomfortable and inviting, like Negan is deciding if Carl is a worthy coconspirator.

When Negan has deemed the sauce to be excellent he saunters over to Carl.

“Want a taste?” Negan asks, raising his brows suggestively and proffering the spoon towards Carl’s mouth. It feels purposely lewd.

Carl’s eye instantly narrows but his mouth twitches up, like his body can’t decide how to react to the question. Negan just laughs it off turning back to his sauce.

Carl is left unsettled.

Later, Negan reveals what Carl got up to when Rick was gone. His father stares at him, brows furrowed and rage marring his features. Carl watches helplessly, he knows It’s his fault that Negan is here causing mayhem. Carl turns away from his dads piercing stare and looks to Negan who smirks back at him. Carl feels raw, like something has shifted between them.

When Negan finally leaves and the fear and frenzy of the day is distant, Rick interrogates him.

“You snuck into the Sanctuary?”  

“I know you’re mad.” Carl says softly, not wanting to look at his dad.

“I’m more relieved than I am mad.” Rick admits quietly.

Carl dares to look up at his dad when he hears the confession. The immensity of everything he’s done and risked hits him abruptly- he can’t hold it in anymore as he feels his bottom lip tremble. His eye begins to water and he can’t believe this is the second time he’s crying in the span of 24 hours. Rick looks defeated.

“What happened, Carl?” His concern only spurs on Carl’s tears.

“I’m fine okay. I just…I shouldn’t have gone after him. I know that now, you don’t have to lecture me. I’m fine.” His voice cracks the second time he says ‘fine.’

Rick looks away, nods once and then proceeds.

“I want you to tell me everything you can about the Sanctuary and the Saviors.”

Carl knows that tone. He’s heard it every time they’ve been on the brink of an all-out war. He feels himself smiling despite his tears.

 

 


	2. Two

Carl isn’t foolish enough to believe they could take out the Saviors overnight. He knows this plan will take time and diligence. It’s a glimmer of hope in the strange role they find themselves in. Negan arrives at the Sanctuary a week later. Carl watches from a distance as Negan strolls around with Lucille and that shit-eating grin. There’s tension in the air as the residents of Alexandria hide away, only a few daring to be present when Negan arrives. Rick is of course helping to load the truck up, Aaron is helping as well. His face is still marred from when the saviors attacked him. Carl can’t help but think of how weak they both look. Carl’s been in their shoes, he knows how it looks and how it feels. It’s not a fair or kind thought to have but there it is. Carl is also beginning to understand that there’s a marked difference in his interactions with Negan compared to others. Carl feels the dynamic between himself and Negan is just… different.

As Carl muses on this, Negan happens to look over and they lock eyes. Negan’s smile turns to a smirk. Carl’s breath catches.  Once more he feels that strange sensation, like he’s colluding with Negan.

“What? You’re not happy to see me?” Negan asks playfully as he approaches Carl.

He slings an arm around Carl’s shoulders and pulls him into a sideways hug.

“But what’s this?” Negan enunciates each word with sincere befuddlement as he gestures to the bandage around Carl’s eye, “Didn’t I tell you not to cover that up? What happened to my bad-ass?”

The possessiveness of the word _my_ is not lost on him.

Carl can feel his dad’s scrutinizing gaze. He turns to see Rick is watching them, emotions flickering across his features that Carl doesn’t want to name. He can’t help but feel like he’s been caught. He looks away and back at Negan who asks, “Well?”

Carl gingerly removes the bandage, remembering vividly how this happened last time. The hesitance he felt before is nonexistent now. He can’t find a good reason why that is though.

When the bandage is tossed aside and his wound laid bare, Negan smirks and licks his lip.

“There he is.” Negan says quietly, a hint of reverence in his words.

Carl releases a shaky breath he doesn’t realize he’s been holding. Negan notices this and winks at Carl in return. The moment is lost when Negan moves away to address Rick and a few of the saviors. Carl is left staring at the ground feeling a perverse sense of approval.

Later that day Carl is staring at his reflection in the mirror, remembering when Negan stood next to him. He wonders if Negan was trying to get him to see something.

His reverie ends abruptly when Rick’s reflection appears in the doorway. Carl turns around to see his dad is offering him a new bandage.

“Thought you might want this.”

Carl stares at the wad of gauze in his dad’s palm and it feels like a slap to the face.

“I don’t need it.” Carl says hastily, turning to look back at his reflection.

“No, I guess you don’t.” Rick acknowledges, looking at his hand.

Rick leaves without another word. Carl feels like a giant chasm has suddenly opened between them. It feels wide and treacherous.

 


	3. Three

They’re making plans. Rick is enlisting the help of the Hilltop, gathering their forces in hushed tones. The pieces are starting to fit together.

When the saviors make their next visit, Carl decides to make himself scarce. After their last encounter, Carl decides he can’t trust himself when Negan is around. He’s fully aware that his obstinate emotions towards the man grow slack or change altogether. It’s dangerous.

He can hear the distant sounds of the saviors as they take their cut of the supplies. The shifting of boxes, the slams echoing from car doors. The sounds are like an alarm, warning everyone to take shelter. Carl is sitting on the couch, tense and waiting for it to end. There’s a lull in the noise and Carl finds himself counting the minutes.

His front door opens and instead of his dad appearing, Negan is there. Carl has a moment of sheer terror wash over him; his mind supplies a scenario where Negan has killed his father and laid waste to everyone that’s good and kind in Alexandria and now it’s just the two of them. A second later he realizes that’s ridiculous though, if something bad had happened he would have heard the screams.

“There you are!” Negan calls cheerily.

Carl says nothing. He notes that Lucille isn’t with him and he finds it strange.

“The fucks up with you, kid?” Negan asks, looking pissed at the absence of a response from Carl.

“I didn’t wrap my face once this week.” Carl reveals.

Negan’s head is tilted to the side, brows furrowed. Carl looks away, staring vacantly at the wall across from him. He hears Negan approach him slowly but refuses to look over. When Negan is standing right next to him a firm hand lifts his chin and angles his head to look up at Negan.

“So, you’re finally catching on.” There’s no mistaking the pride in Negan’s voice. The smile that usually strains with false bravado appears sincere and gentle.

He feels Negan’s thumb stroking his chin.  He can’t think of what to say.

The moment is interrupted when Rick, Dwight and a savior that Carl doesn’t recognize come barreling through the front door. Carl turns to see them, Negan’s hand still holding his chin. Rick freezes, he looks like he’s been punched in the stomach. His expression is flickering somewhere between fear and regret, Carl can’t decide which is more prominent.

Negan releases Carl and asks, “We’re done already? That is some god damn efficiency, Rick.”

Dwight moves forward to hand over Lucille.

“Thanks for looking after her.” Negan tells Dwight.

Carl decides to stand, feeling far too small and strange.

Negan turns back to Carl and leans in to whisper, “You keep on impressing the shit outta me.”

Carl feels himself smiling faintly in response to Negan’s words and he knows he’s been damned. He’s crossed a line that there’s no coming back from. Negan must sense it too because he smiles widely and once again it looks sincere, like he’s letting Carl catch a glimpse of who he might have been before the world stopped making sense. It’s breath taking.

“Time to move out then folks.”  Negan says loudly, turning away from Carl and walking towards the exit, Dwight and the other savior following close behind.

Carl knows he must look sheepish when he finally looks up at his dad. Rick looks hurt and he ends up breaking eye contact before Carl does. That unnerves Carl to no end.

“Dad?” Carl asks uncertainly.

Rick clears his throat.

“Negan asked to see you…I tried to finish loading the trucks as quickly as possible. I wanted to make sure you were okay.” Rick shares, his voice unsteady. He looks back up at Carl now, his eyes wet around the corners.

“He isn’t going to hurt me.” Carl tells him, realizing belatedly that it’s true. Negan isn’t going to do anything to him. It instantly feels like a secret he shouldn’t have revealed.

Rick nods reluctantly.

Carl knows the space between them is growing vast.  


	4. Four

Carl is practicing darts again. His coordination still lacks, the darts ending up in the wall rather than on the target. He remembers Negan doing the same, aim perfect and grin satisfied. Thankfully he hadn’t asked Carl to play all those weeks back.

The time Negan spent here in his house feels like a lifetime ago. The world is shifting and Carl can feel that he’s on the cusp of something new, hopefully something better.

Maggie visits them. Carl watches from his bedroom window as his dad greets her and a select few from Hilltop. Plans continue to be in the works, constantly evolving. Carl is present for most of it, other times he elects to not be around.

It’s been longer than a week and Negan and his saviors have not been around, Carl wonders why. He tries not to worry because not only is it foolish but deeply troubling as well.  

Most days Carl feels like he’s wading through sand. Trying to make sense of himself and the progression of his life. He feels torn between his reality in Alexandria and his experience in the sanctuary. The two halves are at odds, and one will triumph over the other.  

Carl finds himself considering sneaking out to the sanctuary again, but he knows that’s madness.

Carl takes solace in the fact that nothing has happened yet, no war and no gritty choices. He’s existing in a liminal space, feeling the tension rise.

He reads a book, tries to feel like a human and nearly convinces himself that he’s succeeding- until he hears honking at the gates. It’s like being pulled from a stupor. He scrambles out of his bed, sliding on his sheets in his eagerness to look out the window.  The familiar silhouette of Negan’s truck is juxtaposed against the gate. He feels dizzy from the excitement. He hears his front door slam and watches as Michonne heads for the gate. Rick is currently at the Hilltop and Carl feels terribly grateful for that.

Every visit from Negan feels like a stolen, treacherous moment.

Carl doesn’t hide this time. He runs downstairs and follows in Michonne’s footsteps.

Negan is facing away from him, shouting some bullshit to Dwight which Carl doesn’t bother paying attention to.

When Negan finally turns around his face is clean shaven again. He looks momentarily surprised at the sight of Carl watching him. Carl smiles.

He doesn’t know what’s come over him. What he does know is that he’s had too much time to think about Negan in his absence.

Negan lights up.

“Well, if it isn’t my favorite future serial killer.” The term isn’t a jab but an endearment. Carl gets it now, “Where the fuck’s Rick at?”

Carl has a moment’s hesitation before answering.

“He’s gathering more supplies.”

“Is that so?” Negan asks, like he knows it’s a lie.

It strikes Carl that no matter who he’s talking to, he feels like a turncoat spy; like he’s withholding vital information from everyone close to him.

 Negan laughs.

“Come on Carl, lead the way to the vacation house,” Negan whistles, “Load the trucks up! You’ll know where to find me.”

Lucille swings in his grasp as he follows Carl down the road.

When they walk across the foyer Negan proclaims, “Fuck yeah, my favorite home away from home. You and Rick should throw dinner parties,” Negan leans in close, “I bet his spaghetti is shit compared to mine.”

Carl just looks at him, Negan pulls away laughing it off.

“Why were you gone for so long?” Carl doesn’t seem to be able to control the words coming from his mouth.

Negan spins on his heel to face Carl, brows raised.

“Did someone miss me?” His eyes fix on  Carl as he asks the question.

Carl huffs a sigh and looks away, “I was just wondering.”

“Yeah, shit I _get it_. You got a bad-ass image to uphold.”

Carl refrains from speaking, not trusting however else he might fuck up this interaction.

Suddenly Negan is crowding Carl’s space, looming over him.

“I had food to gather,” Negan says in a dulcet tone, “wives to fuck.”

Negan continues despite Carl’s silence, “You saw ‘em kid. Their hairs even prettier than yours.”

Carl is pissed. In an instant, he knows he’s been a fool. A fool to think there was anything different between he and Negan. Negan’s just manipulating him like he does everyone else.

Carl side steps him and begins walking away.

“Hey, slow down,” Negan comments, grasping Carl’s arm to keep him from retreating, “What’s got you all flustered?”

Carl feels panic mode setting in. Negan’s grip on his arm is firm but gentle and his words are stirring up things Carl doesn’t want to face.

Carl’s free arm reaches up to Grab Negan’s, he doesn’t know if he means to push him away. Negan pauses, looking down at the pale hand grasping his leather clad bicep.

They’re both momentarily frozen as they clutch onto one another.

Negan pulls Carl flush against his body, his breath is ghosting over Carl’s face.

Negan’s eyes are locked on Carl’s only good one, “Is there something you gotta say to me, kid?”

His tone sends a thrill up Carl’s spine. Negan is relentless, prodding for something Carl doesn’t know how to voice.

“I…” Carl falters.

“Yeah?” Negan prompts, still holding him close.

“I missed you.” There’s no taking back what he’s said. It feels like a confession, a one-way ticket to hell instead of absolution.

Negan softly questions, “Is that so?” He’s smiling now, looking at Carl with a fondness he didn’t think the man was capable of.

Negan abruptly lets him go. Carl feels lost without the contact.

“What _exactly_ did you miss about me?” Negan asks like he means to toy with Carl. He’s walking away towards the kitchen. Carl watches him with the sneaking suspicion that Negan has been thrown off kilter.

“Everything.” Carl decides it’s best not to be coy.

Negan pauses in his mindless ambling about the house.

The silence lingers on and Carl is shocked that for once in his ridiculous life Negan is quiet instead of spewing bullshit.

Negan ambles back over to Carl.

“Kid,” he starts, “You really do scare the shit outta me.” There’s respect and apprehension present in his admission.

Carl is smiling again. Negan grabs his shoulder and clutches it tightly for a moment before letting go.

“I’ll be back,” Negan promises.

“Or,” He continues, using one gloved finger to tilt the brim of Carl’s hat, “you could always come visit me.”

With a final smirk, Negan is strolling out the front door.

Carl is left feeling hopeful.


	5. Five

A few days pass and Rick finally returns from Hilltop. It doesn’t take long for Rick to find out from the others that Negan had been around; when he does he questions Carl about it.

“Did you talk to him again?” Rick asks like he’s afraid of the answer. He’s looking out the window, trying to keep himself from seeing Carl’s expression.

“Yeah.”  

Carl doesn’t want to elaborate. How could he explain that Negan was in their home again, that he was essentially extended an invitation to enemy headquarters?

Rick removes his hand from the windowsill and turns to face his son. Carl fidgets on his makeshift bed.

“What aren’t you saying, Carl?” Rick’s face is strained.

Frustration quickly outweighs Carl’s guilt. He’s instantly unimpressed with his dads attempts at gaining information and finds himself judging the man’s ability to be a parent; It’s a tirade of thoughts as familiar to him as a well-practiced mantra.

Rick sighs heavily which makes Carl snap, “What are you accusing me of?”

Rick falters, “I’m not accusing you,” He quickly backpedals, rubbing at his face.

“I’m worried about you, Carl. I worry about you constantly.”

Carl is on the verge of protesting that remark but Rick holds up a hand.

“Not because I think you can’t handle yourself, I know you can. I worry because you’re my son, I’m supposed to look after you and take care of you.”

Rick kneels in front of Carl, grasping his shoulder. The action instantly stirs memories of Negan performing the same gesture. His father’s clutch feels well-intentioned but Carl remains conflicted.

 “You can’t protect me from everything.” Carl says sternly, looking at his father.

Carl thinks he sees a phantom wince on Ricks face and knows his dad doesn’t like hearing this. Rick stands up, breaking the contact.

“You can talk to me, Carl. About anything.” Rick tells him before leaving through the door.

Carl rolls his eye at the cliché paternal attempt. It feels corny and cheap, but he supposes that’s probably the best Rick’s got; after all it’s coming from a man who perpetually clings to the notion that this world can be made to resemble the old one.

 

Eventually Carl seeks out Enid.

When he spots her lounging in the grass, he’s struck by how changed he feels since they were last together.

He keeps their interaction brief, wanting only to discern how she’s doing, if she feels just as changed.

“I’m fine.” Is all she reveals when he inquires.

He nods minutely. It’s apparent that everything is different. Not only is there a rift between he and his father but Enid now as well. He wonders why he bothered to stop and talk to her at all.

Carl quickly ends the awkward conversation and heads towards his house.

As he walks through the streets of Alexandria he makes a promise to himself: He will visit Negan at the Sanctuary again. He’ll explore that strange tendril of hope and fear that the man instills in him. He will understand it, he must because he’s counting on it.

The only delay will be waiting for Rick to go out again, no point in causing him needless worry; Carl can be an asshole but he’s not cruel.

 

“I wish you would come on this run with me.” Rick pleads for the third time. Carl has spent too much time preparing to be swayed by his dad. Carl’s patience is wearing thin.

“Because you actually want me there or because you’re worried Negan will come back when you’re not here.” It’s a low blow but Carl knows it’s not a totally false statement.

“I want you to come with for both of those reasons.” Rick replies earnestly, hands on his hips.

Carl shakes his head.

“I’m staying,” Carl won’t budge on this, “I’ll be okay.” He adds as an afterthought.

Rick concedes.

“Yeah, you will.”

Carl forces himself to smile at his dad before he heads back upstairs.

He decides to wait until sunbreak the following day to leave. He spends most of the night tossing and turning, making plans and questioning his motives. Eventually the sun begins to rise. He can see the change in light from his bedroom window. Warm hues of orange seep into the gray of the morning and birds are stirring with the transition. He needs to leave now before the rest of the town wakes up. Quietly he gathers his essentials and sneaks out the front door.

Michonne will be pissed and worried, it’s not fair to her but he can’t think about that now. He elects to climb over the fence. When he drops down onto the other side he has a moments apprehension. It dissipates rapidly when he recalls all the reasons why he chose to see Negan. He has a promise to keep. The sun is shining down providing a sense of comfort. Childishly, he feels like it’s guiding him as if it’s taken on the role of the north star. He thinks of the song he was forced to sing for Negan. The hate and the humiliation are long gone, instead he remembers the song for what it meant to him: A mother’s love and a happier time.


	6. Six

The journey is long, longer than he remembers it being. He traces his steps, follows the tire tracks. Walkers intrude on his travels on occasion, but it’s nothing he can’t handle. The quiet walk forces Carl to reflect on his intentions. Fundamentally he knows this isn’t a great decision, it’s a selfish one.  Knowledge of being on the brink of a war hastens his pace. It feels like there’s a lot at stake, but he buries that down for a later time, for when it matters.

When he lays eyes on the statue he knows he’s made it. Not a mile longer and a man at the top of a post is shouting at him.

“I’m here to see Negan.” He yells back.

The guy pauses.

“Yeah, I remember you. Move forward.”

The gates are pulled open and Carl walks onward with his head held high, his hat giving him those extra few inches. It feels surreal for Carl to be walking into this place. Terrible memories were made here, but it was also the sight of a new beginning; a tendril of something dark and different.  

Dwight quickly approaches him.

“What are you doing here?” He asks, his gun raised.

“Negan said I could visit.”

Dwight stares at him for a moment before moving forward to frisk Carl. He pats down his pockets and discovers a knife which he confiscates. Carl is annoyed but he understands.

“That’s enough, Dwight.” The familiar cadence of Negan’s voice washes over them.

Carl feels himself tense as he looks up to see Negan approaching them. Dwight immediately backs off.

“Damn, Kid.” Negan says slowly, Lucille resting on his shoulders, “You really came all this way to see me? I’m flattered.” His smile is crooked and his face is clean shaven again.

Carl feels himself blushing and hates it. Negan doesn’t wait for him to reply, instead he slings a free arm over Carl’s shoulders and navigates him inside. Negan presses Carl close to his side as he leads the way. Carl doesn’t know what to say or do so he just follows along, keenly aware of the weight of Negan’s arm on him. As he walks across the threshold he can’t shake the feeling that he’s chosen the losing side. But nothing in this world is black and white anymore. Carl exists in the gray, in the space between Negan and Rick.

“What brings you here this time, business or pleasure?” Negan queries, his tone playful. Something about his bravado feels false, like they’re back to the way things were before Carl slipped up and told that man he missed him.

“You said I could visit you.” Carl says coldly.

“Shit, no need to get defensive.” Negan admonishes, then he leans in to whisper, “Remember what I said about breaking balls?”

Carl can feel the heat of Negan’s breath against his ear and his heart races.

He finds himself ushered into Negan’s room once more. He doesn’t wait for a directive from Negan, instead he walks to the seat he sat in last time and makes himself comfortable.

Negan chuckles from behind him. A few moments later Negan is pressing a glass into his hand, it looks and smells like a dark liquor, maybe rum or whiskey.

“Only the best for my guest!”

Carl looks at the glass in his hand. Negan sighs and clinks his own glass against Carl’s.

“Bottoms up, kid.”

He watches as Negan kicks back what looks like three shots worth of liquor in one gulp.

When he wipes his mouth, he notices Carl is still watching him with his glass entirely full.

Negan gives him a pointed look. Carl snaps out of it and rapidly drinks it all. He shivers from the disgusting aftertaste and grimaces.

“Was that whiskey?” Carl asks.

“It’s a scotch whiskey,” Negan reveals, taking the seat opposite Carl.

“Well, I would have prepared dinner if I’d known you were coming.” Negan tells him as if he’s put-out by all of this.

“You didn’t actually think I’d come, did you?” Carl challenges him.

“I wouldn’t have offered if I thought that.” Negan tells him, watching him closely. Carl has the distinct sense that Negan can see that he’s feeling self-conscious.

 He sets Lucille upright in the chair next to him.

“Why don’t you make us another drink, please?” Negan asks politely.

Carl is annoyed. He gets up with a huff and wanders over to the bar near the end of the room.

“It’s the bottle on the left,” Negan indicates, “Don’t go stingy on me, pour a few shots worth.”

Carl does as he’s told. He’s not sure what his expectations were for this visit, but this isn’t it. Then again, Negan has always been one to toy with people.

When Carl turns back Negan is standing instead of sitting, his hand reaching out for the glass.

“What should we cheers to?”

Carl looks down, contemplating.

“I don’t know,” He finally says, “I’ve never done it before.”

Negan licks his lower lip.

“Well, how about we cheers to your man sized balls.” Carl makes an effort this time to clink his glass against Negan’s.

Negan downs his drink but Carl decides to only swallow about half of the liquid this time.

Carl thinks the alcohol is finally starting to take effect. His limbs are beginning to feel heavier and his thoughts slower. It’s warm in his stomach and Negan’s gaze is a welcome sight.

“You’re bad news for me, kid.” Negan says, watching him closely, “But I guess the old rules don’t apply.”

Carl is confused by the comment, it shows in his face and the quirk of his brow.

“Your dad know you’re here?”

Carl glares at him in response. The last thing he wants is to be reminded of is his trespasses against his dad and the rest of his family and friends.

“That’s a firm ‘no’.” Negan chuckles.

He moves closer to Carl and makes a show of plucking Carl’s hat off his head and tossing it onto the chair beside them. Carl watches the trajectory of his hat as it hits the cushions. Negan’s hand is cupping his face, turning his attention back on him.

Their noses are nearly touching. The hand on his cheek is warm, Negan’s fingers brush the bangs out of his healed scar to reveal it entirely. Negan looks delighted as he studies it up close. Carl feels naked under Negan’s scrutiny, his breathing is growing labored. He feels light headed and warm, overwhelmed by the alcohol he isn’t used to and the foreign touch from the man who is supposed to be his enemy.

Negan is making lazy circles with his thumb at the point just below where Carl’s eye used to be. Carl feels himself leaning into the touch, wanting more of it. Carl trembles, his mouth falling open. His mind has become a cacophony of desire and apprehension.

Negan sees Carl’s open expression as an invitation to close the distance. Negan’s mouth envelopes Carl’s plump bottom lip, and he runs his tongue along it. Carl groans at the contact, he feels heat running up his spine, his mouth working in tandem with Negan’s. This kiss isn’t anything like the one he shared with Enid. This isn’t cordial or gentle, its firm and wet. Despite Negan being clean shaven he still feels a slight stubble, it burns the skin around his lips.

Negan pulls back a minute later, gripping Carl’s chin and looking him in the eye.

“I’m trying to imagine your daddy’s reaction to this.” Negan is smirking.

Carl feels like he’s been punched in the gut. He pulls away from Negan and moves to the other side of the room, trying to catch his breath and calm his nerves.

He hears Negan sigh behind him.

“Fuck. I shouldn’t have brought that up.” Negan concedes like it’s challenging for him to do so.

Carl’s insecurity is spiraling. He feels like a fool. Negan’s been using him as a ploy, he’s just one more tool in Negan’s arsenal used to torment his dad. He wants to leave, run away and beg Rick for forgiveness.  Carl knows he should shout at him, tell him to go fuck himself and threaten death again. Instead the words fail him and he stands there at war with himself.

Negan slowly circles Carl. He tries to get Carl to look up at him but he won’t.

“Damnit,” Negan mutters, “Listen, I’m sorry.”

Carl can tell the apology in the man’s voice is genuine. He looks up with a sick sense of hope.

Negan reaches for Carl’s face, his thumbs framing his expression.

Instead of kissing him, Negan pulls him close to envelop him in a hug. Negan’s T-shirt smells clean and is soft against his cheek. Carl feels childish but he can’t deny that the contact brings him comfort. He feels messed up in the head, from the alcohol and from the duality in Negan’s gestures.

Negan lets him go but Carl doesn’t want that; his palm grips the lapel of Negan’s leather jacket, stopping his retreat.

Carl is trembling again, he looks up at Negan with pleading eyes, the request he can’t voice lost in his throat.

Negan uses one arm to scoop Carl flush against him, a moment later he’s devouring his lips. Negan’s tongue delves deep into his mouth, licking every inch Carl can give. It feels obscene and the thrill of it is back instantaneously. He moans around Negan’s mouth; his body pushing firmly against his.

Negan breaks the kiss.

“You’re welcome to stay the night,” He winks suggestively, “But don’t worry, I won’t pressure you into doing anything you don’t want to do.”

“I need to get back to Alexandria before anyone gets worried.” Carl says quickly.

It’s not a lie. Carl does need to get back, but admittedly he’s afraid of what else might transpire if he should stay.

“How you planning on getting back in the dark?”

“Maybe I could get a lift?” Carl suggests apprehensively.

Negan sighs, “Really?”

Carl looks at him with hopeful eyes.

“I can’t refuse you anything when you look at me like that.” Negan tells him, crowding his personal space again.

Carl feels himself growing hot all over.

“Thanks.”

“I’ll have Dwight take you back.” Negan says, walking over towards Lucille.

“No.” Carl says quickly.

Negan turns around, Lucille now firmly in his grasp and a question on his face.

Carl nearly falters, “He doesn’t like me.”

“As much as I’d love to say hi to your dad and the other sorry sons of bitches at Alexandria, I gotta decline. Don’t worry, Dwight won’t do anything to you because then he’d have to answer to me.”

Carl can’t argue that logic, he knows the terror Negan reigns with.

It’s not long before Carl is situated in the passenger seat of a truck from Negan’s fleet, Dwight is in the driver’s seat with his eyes fixed out the front window.

Negan is leaning against the passenger’s side, his arm resting along the open windowsill.

“You are something else, kid.” Negan is saying, looking at him with a smirk. Negan reaches forward, his gloved thumb rubs along Carl’s bottom lip where he notices a small bruise he’s left behind.

When he turns his attention to Dwight, Negan’s voice is harsh and his eyes demanding.

“Make sure he makes it home safe.”

Dwight looks over to catch the tail end of the caress he was giving Carl’s lip. His eyes meet Negan’s and he knows he’s deadly serious.

“Of course, Negan.”

Negan grins, slams his hand against the side of the car door and calls out, “Catch you on the flipside!”

The truck revs into life, speeding Carl away and back to safety.


	7. Seven

It isn’t until Carl is halfway back home that he realizes he’s left his hat. It doesn’t sit well with him that he was neglectful enough to leave it behind.

The car ride is spent in tense silence. Dwight never once looks over at Carl. He can’t imagine what the man is thinking. He wonders if Dwight’s scar still makes him self-conscious; Carl’s does, but he’s working on changing that.

The closer they get to his home the more apprehensive he grows. The alcohol must be wearing off because his senses are sharper and his regrets are manifesting tenfold. The weight of what he’s done is playing over and over in his mind, like a DVD menu on loop. How strange, he thinks, to use that comparison. He hasn’t thought about the trivial aspects of his past life in a long time.

When he sees Alexandria on the horizon Carl takes a shuddery breath and grips his knees tightly.

“Are you okay?”

The question startles Carl and he looks over to see Dwight is still looking straight ahead.

“I’m fine.” He says quickly, apprehensively.

Dwight doesn’t say anything in response. The truck Eventually rolls up just outside the gate, and the vehicle is shifted into park.

“I’ll stay until you make it safely inside.” Dwight says, finally turning to Carl.

Carl is truly perplexed. He can’t discern whether Dwight’s words stem from real concern or from Negan’s request.

Carl offers up a feeble ‘thanks’ before climbing out of the truck. It’s late and only a few people are posted at the gate. When Aaron sees it’s Carl he’s let in immediately. Only when the gate closes behind him does he hear Dwight drive off. He ignores the questioning look from Aaron.

It’s late enough that the town appears quiet, only a few lights are on in the houses. Carl would find it peaceful if there wasn’t a war waging inside his mind.  

 

He hastens to his house feeling the wind pull at his hair. He quietly unlocks the front door and slips inside, working to close the door gently. A light flicks on in the hallway and Michonne is there. Her arms are folded across her chest and she looks angry.

“You’re lucky your dad isn’t back yet.”

She hasn’t even questioned where Carl has been but he feels obliged to lie.

“I just needed some time to think.” He says, his eyes pleading with her to understand.

“Rick isn’t the only one who worries about you.”

The guilt cripples him.

“I know, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

Michonne nods once, “Get to sleep, it’s late.”

Carl heads upstairs and retreats to his room. Instantly he feels safer which is strange since he’s never attached meaning to this room. He supposes familiarity breeds fondness, despite his best efforts. He crawls into his bed and tries very hard not to think about Negan or anything but sleep.

He startles awake only a few hours later feeling like he can’t breathe, his heart racing. He focuses on his breathing, looks out his wind and tries to figure out what time it must be. The sun hasn’t risen yet, the dark clouds look unforgiving. Carl’s panic increases when he wonders if he’ll ever see daylight again. This fear isn’t like him. He shakes his head and tries once more to regulate his breathing. He must sleep. Tomorrow will be a long day.

The sun does rise and with it, his dad returns. Michonne greets him on the front porch, Carl watches this from a distance. Unable just yet to welcome his dad home. Most of the day passes with Carl carefully avoiding Rick. He preoccupies himself with mindless things that don’t actually take his mind off anything.

When dusk starts to settle and the stars begin to peek faintly on the horizon, Carl finally heads home.

Rick is sitting in the living room with Judith on his lap, Michonne is somewhere upstairs.

“Hey, there you are.” Rick says fondly when he sees Carl.

“Hey.” Carl replies, walking into the room.

He approaches them both and reaches for Judith’s free hand.

Luckily, Michonne comes into the room and starts talking about plans so Carl doesn’t have to make small talk.

He listens to their strategies for taking on the sanctuary with growing unease. Carl’s situation has grown more difficult and he only has himself to blame. The realization startles him. It’s been easy in the past to lay the blame on his dad or even his mom. But this situation is entirely bred out of his own choices. He’s made tough calls before. He’s made the decision to kill people on several occasions, but this is still somehow different. He’s performing a balancing act between sanity and insanity.

“Carl?”

He realizes belatedly that Rick must have been trying to get his attention for a while.

“Sorry, what?”

“It won’t be much longer now. I promise you, we _will_ take back what is ours.” Rick is emphatic.

Carl sees the sincerity in his eyes. He wants to thank him. He probably would have over a month ago, when all he wanted was for Negan to die. But now, Carl can only nod numbly in response.

 

A week of  relative peace passes by until It’s eventually shattered when Rick asks Carl where his hat is.

The question alarms Carl, he hasn’t had time to come up with a lie.

“I lost it over the wall.” It’s a half truth.

“You left while I was gone?” Rick sounds annoyed.

“I’m going to get it back, I was just waiting for the right time.” Carl adds weakly. They both know what the hat represents. Carl’s guilt weighs on.

 

Maggie visits them. Carl holds her in a tight hug but finds he can’t keep eye contact with her for long, he’s worried she’ll see the betrayal there. The more guests that visit from the Hilltop and the Kingdom, the more anxious Carl grows. This is happening, a war will be wrought upon Negan and the sanctuary. Negan could die, Carl’s friends could die. Nothing is certain, except for the longing Carl feels. Loathe though he is to admit it, he really does want peace between all of them. Maybe his dad isn’t such a fool for working so tirelessly at the abstract concept. It makes the most sense yet it’s always the most impossible to achieve. He wonders why it has to be.

Negan and his crew are back at their gates a few days later. Carl feels a nervous apprehension and a slight thrill at the idea of seeing Negan again. Rick isn’t near the gate upon their arrival, Carl isn’t sure where he’s at. He uses this as his opportunity to approach Negan first.

“Carl!” Negan calls cheerfully as he pops out of his truck, Lucille ever present.

He grips his shoulder in greeting. Carl doesn’t shy away from the contact but he knows there are watchful eyes and he must exercise caution when it comes to their interactions.

“Hey,” Negan says holding up a finger, “I got something of yours.”

Negan walks to the truck, reaches inside and returns with Carl’s hat in his hand.

“Brought it back safe and sound.” Negan places the hat on Carl’s head.

“Thank you.” Carl says smiling, genuinely relieved to have it back.

Negan looks up and over Carl’s head when he hears footsteps approaching.

“Oh hey, Rick.” Negan says casually.

Carl feels his heart sink in his chest.

He turns around and immediately locks eyes with Rick. His dad is staring at him. His face awash with a myriad of emotions, all which move too quickly for Carl to decipher. Carl opens his mouth to say something but Negan brushes past him, his hand squeezing his shoulder again before walking towards Rick. Carl averts his eyes not wishing to see their interaction. He looks over to see Dwight watching him. His usual scowl is gone, instead he catches a flash of sympathy which is gone a moment later when Dwight looks away.

Carl is unnerved, first by Rick having caught him in his lie and then Dwight’s expression. He feels panicked, he needs to leave this space immediately. He retreats to his house as discretely as he can, he figures they’ll just assume he’s gone to grab supplies for Negan’s truck.

When he gets inside his house he paces the hallway. He paces for what feels like twenty minutes, listening to the sounds of trucks being loaded. His mind is racing. Carl decides to head back to the gate. He feels impulsive, he’s not sure what he intends to do when he goes back there.

The visit is nearly over, Carl can tell. Negan is saying his farewells; they consist of Lucille being swung around menacingly along with Negan’s snide comments. The saviors are closing the trucks. Rick is loading the last of the crates and slips in and out of view.

Negan catches sight of Carl after his long-winded speech.

“We’re like two ships passing in the night.” Negan proclaims with a wink.

He should hate this man, should think he’s a complete fucking jackass. But instead he’s looking at him, really looking at him and seeing things of worth and desire there. Carl wants to join Negan in that truck, despite everything he’s ever learned telling him it’s a bad idea.

He doesn’t hide the longing in his eye, he means to make it clear as he holds Negan’s gaze.

Negan’s bravado diminishes when he sees the way Carl is looking at him. 

“I’ll come back.” He says, his voice is stern and steady.

The others no doubt read it as a threat, but Carl knows it’s a promise. Like the one he’s heard before.

He nods once, feeling torn between his two worlds.

Negan turns away. The trucks move out, and Rick closes the gate with a sense of finality.

Carl snaps out of it. Rick is turning around and Carl can’t look away, as much as he wants to. Only Rick doesn’t look at him. The more Carl watches him the more he gets the sense that his dad is completely ignoring him. It’s unlike Rick to do this.

He knows it’s not a good idea to approach his dad in this space where so many others are. He decides to head home and wait for Rick there.

The wait is nearly unbearable. All manner of terrible thoughts are racing through his head, uncertainty pulling out the worst his mind can imagine. When he hears the front door open he races to the hallway.

“Dad?” He calls before rounding the corner.

Rick’s back is to him as he slowly closes the door, “Yeah?”

“Can we talk.”

Rick turns around, appraising him, “If you’re ready to.”

It’s a jab at him, he knows. Carl’s been deceitful this whole time. What’s worse is that he still has no intention of telling him the full truth.

They head to the living room. Rick looks guarded as he takes a seat. Carl has seen that before, but never as a result of his own actions.

“You went to visit Negan again.” Rick states rather than questions.

Carl nods. Rick pointedly doesn’t say anything else.

After a long lull, Carl sighs looking away for a moment before back at his dad.

“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to cause problems. I know there’s a lot at stake but I had to see him again.”

“Why did you have to see him again?” Rick asks, clearly baffled by it.

“Because!” Carl says loudly but immediately has nothing else to say. He blinks and tries to think but his mind has gone blank.

Rick is leaning forward expectantly, his hands folded, elbows resting on his knees.

“Just…because.” Carl says weakly, not looking at his dad. He hadn’t planned what to say.

Rick lowers his head.

“I thought you were ready to talk.” He sounds annoyed as he leans back in his seat, disapproval clear on his face.

The last time an interaction was this challenging for Carl he was forced to sing a song to Negan. The parallels are there.

“I like talking to him.” Carl finally reveals, not brave enough to look at Rick. It’s the only confession he can muster. What Rick draws from that Carl doesn’t want to know.

Rick runs a hand down his own face.

“Carl, you know what he’s done.” Rick is trying to make Carl see sense. But that’s the problem, Carl does. He knows everything that Negan’s done, he’s watched the very worst of it and experienced it firsthand.

“I know.” Carl says plainly.

“I know.” He repeats again, whispering it like an apology.

Rick is contemplative.

“I can’t have you sneaking out to see him, I just can’t.” Rick says matter-of-factly. Carl feels his repentance turn into frustration. He knows it’s useless to argue his side, especially when he isn’t being honest. He decides for once to play along.

“I won’t see him again.” Carl finally lies, looking his dad in the eye.

“Thank you.” Rick looks grateful, albeit hesitant.

“I’m going to check on Judith.” Carl says, excusing himself from the room.

His footsteps are heavy on the stairs as he thinks about how similar he and Negan really are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two specific Father John Misty songs have been a guiding inspiration for the last few chapters and this one. Check out "Fun times in Babylon" and "Nancy from now on."


	8. Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating and warnings have been updated, take heed.

Carl’s been thinking extensively about when he first visited the sanctuary. He recalls it with vivid detail, replaying it over and over again. He couldn’t fathom it at the time, but taking Negan’s proffered hand as he lay in the dirt now seems like a turning point. A crack in Carl’s resolve, the beginning of many mistakes.

One day, not long after Negan’s last visit, a truck pulls up outside of the gate. It’s the same one that brought Carl back after his adventure. Dwight is once more behind the wheel. He’s asking for Carl.

“Negan wanted me to pick him up.” Dwight’s voice can be heard from the bottom of the stairs.

Rick, of course, was the one to answer the door.

“No…” Rick doesn’t sound defiant, he sounds broken.

And there it is, the weakness that makes Carl’s skin crawl. He’s instantly annoyed with Rick but his guilt still lingers sharply in the mix. It’s a toxic cocktail, like Negan’s poured the glass himself and is telling Carl to choke it down.

“It’s fine.” Carl says, descending the staircase. He knows he made a promise not to see Negan again, but this is a different circumstance and he can’t turn down the offer.

“Nothing is going to happen.” Carl adds, his tone harsh. He remembers how horribly he treated his dad after the prison fell. This moment feels a lot like that one.

Rick isn’t looking at him, he’s clutching the door handle for dear life and looking at his shoes. Dwight’s face is impassive as he stares at the two of them.

“I can’t let you go.” Rick is saying, shaking his head looking far too old and sad.

“You don’t have a choice,” Dwight says suddenly, “Negan’s orders. If I come back without him there will be hell to pay. You know that.”

Carl can tell Dwight isn’t trying to exacerbate the situation, his words are meant to remind Rick that there’s always something worse on the horizon where Negan is involved, but for today they can prevent that.

“When will he be back?” Rick asks Dwight, still avoiding Carl’s eye.

Carl’s annoyed; he feels like a kid asking to stay over at a friends while the two adults hash out the details.

“I’ll come back when I want, that’s never been an issue.” Carl tells his dad, he knows he sounds like an asshole and god help him he wants to stop, he wants to at least try to be nice to his dad but he can’t muster it.

“You sure about that?” Rick cuts back, finally looking at Carl. He looks angry now, but his eyes are wet.

“We need to go.” Dwight interjects. Carl feels a surge of gratitude towards the man. He’s fast and efficient, and he’s paving the way for Carl to see Negan again.  

He turns back to Rick whose watery eyes are imploring him to stay. Carl finally takes pity on him. After all, Carl is getting what he wants. He reaches out and squeezes his dad’s arm, just above the elbow. He means to convey that it’s going to be okay.  

Carl walks away without looking back while Dwight leads. He doesn’t hear the front door shut and knows Rick is watching them leave.

Maybe he is fooling himself by thinking he has some semblance of control over this situation. Today is proving that he doesn’t; at the same time he knows Negan is doing this for him because of how brief their last meeting was.

Carl watches his feet kick up dust on his way out of Alexandria. The upcoming war is at the forefront of his mind. Eventually he won’t be in this strange situation anymore. For better or worse, whatever the outcome it won’t be like this.

The car ride is restless. Carl is buzzing with nervous energy at the chance to see Negan again. Dwight is stoic as ever. He wonders once more about Dwight, about the wife that was once his but is now Negan’s.  It’s all so toxic and strange and yet Carl keeps inexorably gravitating towards the center of this world.

When Negan hears the car pull up he’s immediately heading outside and towards the vehicle. Carl sees him as he closes his passenger door. The sight of Negan takes his breath away. For a moment, he forgets about the impending doom their interactions will no doubt bring. Instead he focuses on Negan’s smile and the fact that it’s reserved for him. He’s being selfish he knows, but he can’t help but bask in it.

 “Carl!” Negan wraps him in a bear hug before letting him go.

“Damn am I pleased to see you.” Negan’s smirk is tremendous. Carl feels himself blushing at the attention.

“Dwighty-boy,” Negan calls turning to the other man, “Did Rick put up a fuss?” Negan is rubbing his hands together in anticipation. Carl is annoyed, he hates it when Negan brings his dad up. Carl wonders if he does it on purpose.

“A bit.” Dwight says blandly.

“A bit?” Negan sounds floored. He turns back to Carl.

“Seriously?”

Everything is a game to Negan, Carl doesn’t know how he keeps forgetting this one major flaw in the man.

“He wasn’t happy about it.” Carl reveals, leveling his gaze with Negan.

“Understatement of the fucking year I bet.” Negan’s brows are raised, “Anyway, let’s go get a beer.” He directs Carl inside with his hand on his back pushing him along.

Upstairs in Negan’s room Carl is handed a beer in a parody of the first time he was here.

He looks at the bottle in his hand, debating whether he wants to drink it.

“Glad to see you’ve ditched the bandage.” Negan says gesturing towards Carl’s face. He sounds like a proud parent. He wonders if Negan ever had kids, if he ever wanted any.  

“So,” Negan proclaims loudly turning to his own beer, “This time I knew you were coming and I’ve got dinner in the works. Mac and cheese. Not the greatest but damn if it isn’t a classic.”

Negan looks pleased with himself as he takes a swig from the brown botte, seating himself on the couch.

“Works for me.” Carl replies, lips twitching into a small smile. Carl takes the seat opposite Negan.

“Why don’t you tell me more about your mother?” Negan inquires.

“Why?” Carl is instantly defensive. What is Negan trying to do?

Negan’s hands are up in mock surrender. “Maybe that’s too much. Just…tell me something about yourself.” Negan concedes.

“I hardy have a memory of a life before this one. Everyone shares details about who they were before this, but I don’t have that. I was a kid, I went to school. I had a family. Then the world ended.” Carl realizes how bitter he sounds.

Negan is nodding, that strange look of admiration tinting his features, “You never got to be a kid, did you?”

Carl shakes his head, feeling resentful.

“I’d ask you what you wanted to be when you grew up but I think I know with that hat you wear.” Carl exhales through his nose.

“Yeah, I wanted to be like my dad.”

“No shit, Rick was a sheriff?” Negan is delighted by this; it bothers Carl for some reason. He looks towards the window when he finally takes a swig of his own beer.

“I used to be a gym teacher.” Negan tells him.

Carl doesn’t care about Negan’s revelation; instead he uses it as a segue to answer the question that’s been burning in the back of his mind. “Did you have kids?”

Carl realizes a moment too late that maybe he shouldn’t have asked him that. But it’s clear that Negan isn’t fazed.

“Never had any.”

Carl nods once, toying with the label on his beer bottle. He realizes now that he doesn’t know what he expected the answer to be.

“Did you want them?”

Negan is regarding him with a strange look on his face that Carl can’t name.

“Maybe a little, but hell I was surrounded by them all the time anyways. Didn’t need more.”

Carl wonders if there’s something else that Negan isn’t saying.

There’s a moment of silence; Negan utilizes the lull in conversation to grab himself another beer. Carl’s mind wanders. He feels like this is the calm before a storm, one that he chose to instigate. He also feels like a masochist, always chasing after Negan for more of something dangerous. Carl doesn’t have to look too far inside of himself to know that he’s drawn to Negan’s power. Carl knows there’s always been something dark and wanting in him, Negan fills that space and gives it definition.

He watches Negan popping the top off his beer and realizes that he’s been caught staring. A wicked grin appears on Negan’s face.

“I got an idea!” Negan says theatrically heading back to his seat and setting down his drink. Carl waits anxiously.

“Come here.” Negan instructs playfully, beckoning Carl with a finger.

Carl’s imagined a hundred different scenarios for how this visit would go but now that adrenaline is flooding his system he realizes he has no idea how this will play out.

Carl eventually rises from his seat. He moves forward with the sensation that he’s walking through quicksand to a certain doom that will consume him. Negan’s eyes follow his progress; there’s a hint of something hungry in his expression. He takes a final step and stands directly in front of Negan, feeling hesitant and eager.

“Have a seat.” Negan says, pointing to his own lap. Carl looks at him through his bangs. He can’t deny that he’s been wanting this since their last encounter. He moves forward and straddles Negan’s lap telling himself there’s no point in holding back, he’s already crossed so many lines.

“Good.” Negan praises before gently kissing him. Negan’s skin feels smoother this time, his lips warm and inviting. Negan’s hand is running through his hair, gently pulling it. The sensation leaves him wanting more.

The kiss grows languid and deep. Negan has one hand pressing on the center of Carl’s back, the hand in his hair lets go and reaches for a hip, his thumb pressing circles along the prominent bone. Negan breaks the kiss to trail his mouth along Carl’s jaw and down his neck. Negan’s hands are pulling soft muffled moans from Carl which he desperately tries to stifle; he feels foolish and inexperienced. When Negan’s tongue licks a stripe up his neck he groans for how hard it makes him. He feels himself blushing but he tries not to care, electing instead to grind his hips further into the other mans. Negan pulls back from Carl’s neck and looks him in the eye.

“You want me to help with that?” Negan asks, flicking his finger against the buckle of Carl’s belt.

Carl releases a shaky breath knowing full well what Negan is implying. His hands are gripping Negan’s shoulders and his body is a tense line. He opens his mouth to reply but finds he can’t, instead his bottom lip is quivering with the words still unspoken. He finally decides to nod since he can’t speak the words that will damn him.

Negan notices the fine tremble that has come over Carl.   

“You tell me to stop if you need me to.” Negan instructs him, searching his face. His words make Carl feel childish but also incredibly grateful. He can tell he’s sincere.

The smirk that is usually present on Negan’s face is absent, instead he looks determined. He watches as Negan’s hands slowly undue his belt and pull it from the loops of his jeans. He’s holding his breath in anticipation. Next, he watches the button of his jeans pop open; the moment is surreal like he’s watching his life through someone else’s eyes. Negan pauses briefly before lowering Carl’s zipper. Carl instinctively raises up when both of Negan’s hands grip the band of his jeans and boxers. When his skin is partially exposed he settles back into Negan’s lap.

“That’s better.” Negan whispers between them, pointedly looking down at Carl’s groin.

Carl’s breathing is labored and his cock is hard, aching to be touched. He feels exposed and uncertain. Negan’s hand slowly reaches forward to grasp him. The first touch draws a strangled sound from the back of Carl’s throat which embarrasses him to no end.

“That’s it,” Negan says. “Make all the noise you want, it’s okay.”

He feels like he’s being coddled, like Negan is acting out some perverse parental inclination.

Carl’s thoughts lose their traction when Negan’s hand begins slowly stroking him. His palm is surprisingly soft but his grip is firm and coaxing. Carl closes his eye and rides the sensation, his hips rocking into Negan’s fist.

“You’re doing so good,” Negan praises him. Carl opens his eye and his brow furrows in a question. Carl likes the encouragement but knows it’s steeped in something deep and wrong; he can’t construct all the reasons why right now because he’s too caught up in the lust.

He feels himself getting close, his hands are now holding onto the lapels of Negan’s leather jacket. No one has ever touched him like this and he knows that Negan must be aware of that. Negan hasn’t kissed him once since he began stroking him; he’s far too caught up in watching Carl’s expression or watching his hand work him.

“You want to come for me?” Negan asks.

“Yeah,” The word nearly gets caught in his throat.

Negan hastens his pace for a few seconds and then dramatically lessens it. He knows Negan is toying with him. He feels Negan’s thumb dragging along the head of his cock, rubbing at the slit. Carl looks down between them. The hand that has been holding onto Carl’s hip now trails below his occupied fist and gently fondles Carl’s balls.

Carl can’t even voice a warning before he comes, spreading his semen along Negan’s fist and as far as his jacket and T-shirt. Negan is chuckling at the display.

“Shit I gotta give you credit, you lasted a lot longer than I thought you would.” Carl doesn’t have time to feel offended by the statement, he’s too pleased and his mind is too muddled.

Negan is pulling Carl’s jeans and boxers back up, gently tucking him in and fixing his zipper close. He grabs Carl by the hips and maneuvers him onto the sofa.

“You go ahead and rest.” Negan says with an oddly reverent tone.

Carl sits up on his elbows when Negan exits his seat and heads to the bar.

“What about you?” Carl asks.

Negan turns around with a glass in one hand a bottle of water in the other.

“All in good time.” Negan says with a wink. Carl can’t help but suspect that he’s holding back for some reason.

“Besides I gotta get you fed and back in time before Rick does something stupid.”

Carl bites his tongue because he knows Negan is right. They don’t have much time and every second he’s here is a risk. Not just for Negan but for his dad and everyone else involved. The reality of everything is catching up but he quickly quells the tide of fear seeping in.

For right now he wants to enjoy this rare moment where he currently has everything playing out the way he wants it to.

Consequences can wait for another time.


	9. Chapter 9

The mac and cheese is better than Carl anticipated; it takes him back to a happier time. It’s nothing like the stuff his mom used to make. It’s clearly from a box but it hits the spot. He’s grateful he wasn’t asked to set the table like the last time he and Negan were together; someone else was tasked with that. Carl is satisfied with knowing that Negan has forgone toying with him. What’s happening between them now is stronger; a bond, something dark and forged in secrecy that only they share.

They part shortly after that- a chaste kiss given in private before Carl has to head down to the truck where Dwight is waiting. The time feels stolen and entirely too brief. He realizes he wasn’t at the Sanctuary for more than four hours. The sun still has at least another two hours before it will set. In the truck, he reflects on the fact that he’s being ushered from one life to the other. It’s a strange dichotomy. The strange feeling is made worse when Carl looks down and notices two small semen stains on his shirt; evidence of what he’s done, a mocking reminder.

He barely has time to process what has transpired between he and Negan when Alexandria appears in the distance. 

In truth, he expected to return home to a full-blown war; chaos and fear coloring the streets of Alexandria with Rick leading the masses. Instead the town is quiet. He sees Rick in the distance walking at a rapid pace towards him. Carl feels vindicated, he’s here and whole and Negan didn’t hurt him; but he knows if his dad knew the truth he would challenge the latter point.

“Carl?” Rick is breathless as he finally closes the distance.

“I’m fine.” Carl offers before Rick can even ask.

Rick nods pensively; he’s restless like he’s fighting with a decision. Finally, Rick reaches forward and pulls Carl into a hug. Carl is annoyed but he gets it; this had to have been incredibly challenging for Rick. The fact that he kept it together is impressive.

“You’d tell me if you weren’t okay?” Rick is whispering above his head.

Carl realizes it’s a question. He sighs.

“I promise.”

He’s positive his dad isn’t satisfied with that answer and it shows in his eyes when they pull away from each other.

Rick is looking at him like he wants to know more but decides against it.

“There’s dinner if you’re hungry.” Rick offers softly.

Carl can’t believe the irony.

“I already ate.” Carl tells him, looking up at his dad again.

Rick’s expression is unreadable. A tendril of uncertainty suddenly whispers in Carl’s mind: **_He knows_**. It jolts his insides with fear. His mind spins for a moment before he realizes that’s irrational. How could Rick know? His dad still thinks there’s something between him and Enid after all.

“But I’ll join you if you haven’t eaten.” Carl quickly adds, scrambling for control of the situation and some semblance of normalcy in his life. 

Rick nods and they head back to the house together. The silence feels strange and palpable. The divide between them is larger tonight, probably the largest it’s been in their lives. What’s different about it this time is that both of them are holding back. Their arguments have been explosive and enduring. Both parties always knew how the other felt and where they stood.  This is deceptive and quiet; Carl can feel it festering between them. The deception is entirely Carl’s doing and he only has himself to blame, he knows this. But it’s beginning to feel wrong. The problem is that deep down Carl is a coward. As much as he chastises his dad for being one, he’s also guilty of it. He can’t imagine having to explain to Rick what is happening between he and Negan and more than the revelation, he fears the outcome of his confession. As he enters the house and picks up Judith from Michonne’s arms he feels like he’s on borrowed time, slipping into his old self when he has no right to do so.

He fixates on Judith as Rick and Michonne banter at the dining table. His plate sits before him, devoid of food and the water glass only half sipped on. He looks at his family and selfishly wonders why he can’t have both: Negan and his family. The two are at odds with each other and will never happen, that’s the reality. He’s putting everything he’s known in jeopardy for a dark fancy between himself and a killer.

“I’m gonna take Judith upstairs and shower.” Carl interrupts them, pushing back his chair. He needs to leave the room immediately.

“Night, Carl.” Michonne calls after him. Rick is silent.

Upstairs he tucks Judith into her crib. The weight of responsibility he feels towards his little sister is overwhelming him.

“I know I make stupid mistakes. I know I’m selfish. But I swear I’ll always protect you. I’ll never let anything happen to you as long as I live.” Carl bows his head over her crib, feeling melancholy.

“Carl.” Rick is standing in the doorframe. Carl’s head snaps up and he looks behind him. He feels like a deer in the headlights despite having said nothing to condemn himself.

Rick must have seen the look on Carl’s face because his expression turns serious and Carl gets the sensation that Rick is looking right through him.

“Yeah?” Carl finally asks, trying for blasé.

Rick enters the room and shuts the door behind him. The confined space makes Carl feel anxious. He’s trying to school his expression but knows he already failed once.

 “After Negan sent for you I knew something was wrong,” Rick begins gently, “and given the way you’ve been acting tonight, well…I’m worried.”

Carl’s startled into silence, grappling for what to say. 

“All I’m asking is that you don’t shut me out, Carl.”

Rick’s eyes are piercing. Carl’s mind is still rummaging for a response.

“Honestly? I think I already know what’s happening. I…” Rick trails off breaking eye contact, “I don’t want to make assumptions. I just want to hear it from you so I can help you in whatever way I can, so I can protect you.” Rick is earnest and his eyes are fixed on him once more, pleading for understanding.

Carl feels shaken to his core. He’d played around with the idea that Rick might have an inkling about what was happening, but what if he really knew? Carl’s worked so hard to avoid the truth and push down the costs of his actions. He feels like this is the moment where he finally has to give in and own up to his treachery. If his dad already knows then revealing it shouldn’t be so hard, but it feels like damnation.

The room feels terribly still. The drapes aren’t moving even though there’s a breeze outside. Judith is quiet in her crib. Even the sunset seems to have frozen mid journey.

Carl is trembling when he asks, “What do you think is happening?” It’s a cop-out. Carl can’t voice it; he’d rather his dad do all the heavy lifting in this conversation because he’s not sure he can bear it.

“I think he’s taking advantage of you.”

**_In what way?_** Carl wants to ask.

He looks away from Rick and turns his attention back to Judith who is on the cusp of sleep. Carl’s wondering what Rick is implying by that. How much does he know? Is his dad just as unwilling to voice what he’s thinking?

 “He’s not.” Carl replies. He’s still watching Judith.

“Carl, look at me.” It’s a quiet plea, not at all demanding.

Carl reluctantly turns fully towards his dad. Rick has one eyebrow raised.

“I’ve seen how the two of you interact. I don’t know how far it’s gone…” 

“Dad.” Carl cuts him off, his voice sounds sharp even to his own ears but he can’t hear one more word.

Rick straightens up and looks at him expectantly. 

“Do you remember what you said to me after the prison fell and we were holed up in that house?”

Rick looks down and nods, “Yeah, I do.” He’s looking back up at Carl.

“You acknowledged I was a man then, why can’t you do that now?”

“He’s more than double your age. The legal age of consent isn’t valid in this new world, I get that. But all I ever wanted for you was a world like the old one. I want that for you still.” Rick looks solemn but determined.

Carl can’t believe they’re having this conversation. He thought Rick’s knowledge of the situation would be devastating but it’s not. The truly horrible part is that Rick thinks he’s innocent in all of this.

Carl feels himself on the verge of tears. He’s trying so hard to keep his composure but his throat is growing tight.

“You don’t understand,” Carl begins carefully, “He’s not taking advantage of me because this whole time **_I’ve_** been the one choosing to see him. **_I_** wanted to be close to him.” The final sentence has him crying.

He can’t see Rick’s expression because his vision is blurred with tears.

“I promise I wasn’t trying to hurt anybody.” Carl barely gets the words out and drops his head. He realizes with shocking clarity that what he’s saying to his dad is true. As much as Negan stirs a darkness within him, he still has a sense of what is right. He hasn’t lost that completely. No matter how selfish he’s been he’s still always cared.

“I know, Carl. I know that.” Rick is whispering fervently. His voice seems to be growing closer.

Carl looks up and his dad is right before him. He doesn’t look pissed off or sad. Instead his face is awash with understanding.

Carl releases a shaky breath. He can’t believe how this conversation has turned. He expected anger from Rick, he expected just about anything other than this composure and caring. He wonders if his dad has had time to process everything he’s been suspicious of. 

“I know what we have to do, I know,” Carl tells his dad honestly, “….but I like him.” He adds feebly.  

He didn’t mean to tell his dad any of this and now he’s telling him everything. It doesn’t feel like relief or like a weight has been lifted, despite all of Rick’s patience.

“Carl.” Rick’s hand is on his shoulder.

He looks back up at him, blinking away the tears.

When Rick speaks next his voice is full of conviction and his expression is reassuring.

 “I have a plan.”


	10. Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part of my plot is borrowed directly from issue #126 of the Walking Dead Comics. Also, Happy Valentines day!

The course of action Rick has been plotting is not ideal, but it’s a lot better than Carl could have ever hoped for.

The night of his confession, Rick had promised that war was inevitable. The light at the end of the tunnel was Rick revealing that he had no intention of killing Negan. At first, Carl had thought it was a joke. How could they win the war without taking out the very man who was diametrically opposed to their existence? Rick’s plan was to force Negan to listen to his side of things. He’d string Negan along, painting a picture of how the saviors could form an alliance with Alexandria and the other communities. Then, at the precise moment when Negan finally understood Rick’s perspective, he’d strike. He wouldn’t kill Negan, but he’d weaken him enough to ensure that Negan could be imprisoned. And there Negan would remain, forced to live out his life behind bars watching Rick triumph and provide better for his people than Negan ever had.

Of course there was another stipulation to this plan.

Rick had warned Carl in hushed tones that nothing more could transpire between him and Negan; the relationship would have to end. Carl feigned acceptance and gritted his teeth. His dads understanding was beyond anything Carl had anticipated and he wouldn’t jeopardize the moment by defending his right to maintain contact with Negan. Even if Negan was imprisoned, Carl could still talk to him and that meant everything. What Rick didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

 

It’s been a week since his confession and Maggie is visiting from Hilltop. Now that Carl knows the full scope of his dads’ intentions he feels like he can take part in the planning without the unmitigated guilt that plagued him before. Carl’s guilt isn’t gone entirely though, it lingers on in new forms and aches in different ways.

After the meeting Carl knows it’s only a matter of time. As grateful as Carl is for how things have turned around, he still spends his time thinking about Negan. Thoughts of the man trail him wherever he goes. Somehow he thought revealing the truth to his dad meant it would be an end to him and Negan. But he knows despite Rick’s wishes he can’t let go. He still has more to discover, at least until Negan is captured.

However, when everything is said and done how will Negan feel knowing Carl has betrayed him? It feels strange to be planning for the future and worrying about what’s to come. For ages now he’s operated in the present not daring to dream of a happily ever after. His life is truly at a turning point. The safe future that Rick wants really does feel achievable. No matter what happens though, it will be tinged with a certain sadness; Negan will be at the core of that.

A few more days pass before Rick is heading to the Kingdom to further solidify plans with everyone involved. Carl carefully avoids having to join Rick. It isn’t easy. His dad has been extra attentive to him lately out of some misguided notion that he’s at fault for the divide that grew between them.

They part ways eventually, Rick and a handful of the others traipsing to the Kingdom while Carl and the rest of the town stay behind. He catches the blue of his dads’ eyes and tries for a reassuring smile before the gate closes. He isn’t sure how long he’ll be gone or what progress will be made, but he hopes the journey is beneficial.

An assembly of Saviors arrive a day later. Carl is convinced Negan has spies watching for when Rick leaves.  He observes with baited breath as the trucks roll in. Two vehicles down, Carl spots Negan in the passenger’s side. He slides out of the car looking smug as usual.

An unbidden image of Negan’s smile turning to pure rage streaks across Carl’s mind, causing his knees to feel weak.

He quickly reminds himself that whatever is going to happen will happen, he’ll deal with it when the time comes. For now he’ll curb the unwanted dread and fight the bile creeping up his throat.

“Rick’s not here today.” Aaron tells Negan as he saunters his way over.

“God damn, my luck just keeps getting better and better today.” Negan says with a chuckle.

 

When he catches sight of Carl he points to him using Lucille as an extension of his arm.

“Carl,” The name is said fondly, “Would you please lead the way.” His expression is mischievous now.

All eyes turn to Carl.

He assumes Negan wants him to lead the way to his house. Carl turns on the spot, listening for Negan’s footsteps to catch up with his. Soon they’re walking side by side while Negan whistles a tune with Lucille resting on his shoulder.

When they enter his house, Carl turns around to see Negan closing the door by pushing his back against it. Negan is watching him with a look of hunger when the door closes with a prominent thud.

Carl watches curiously as Negan fusses with Lucille, making sure she’s securely propped up against the doorframe. When he seems satisfied with his work he ambles over to Carl. One leather clad hand is stroking Carl's chin. A moment later Negan’s lips are devouring his with a bruising insistence. He feels lightheaded and troubled. He hadn’t pictured this happening again so soon after his confession. But Negan knows nothing about what has been revealed or what is at stake. With Negan’s hands roaming along his back and his tongue teasing his he eventually relinquishes the apprehension for pleasure instead.

After a few more minutes they eventually break apart.

“How’ve you been, Kid?” It’s a loaded question that Carl can’t even begin to fully answer.

“Fine. You?” His response is bland. 

Negan chuckles, shaking his head. “Definite serial killer in the making.”

Carl rolls his eyes at the jab.

“Got anything to drink?”

Carl suddenly feels like a terrible host.

“Yeah! Well…no alcohol but I have more of that lemonade.”

“Nice.”

Negan slings an arm over Carl’s shoulder and the two of them head to the kitchen.

“I keep some in the cupboard. We used to only keep it in the shared pantry but I didn’t want your men taking it all.” Carl says, pointedly looking up at Negan.

Negan just laughs and presses Carl closer to his side before letting him go.

“Now if I remember correctly, the glasses were over here.” Negan proclaims heading to a row of cabinets.

They fix two glasses of lemonade and cheers before taking a swig.

“If you could have anything you wanted, within reason, what would it be?” Negan suddenly asks him. Carl is thrown off by the question but immediately knows his answer.

“I’d have a dog.” Carl admits, smiling sheepishly.

“Yeah?” Negan asks looking on with admiration and intrigue.

“What about you?”

Something comes over Negan’s expression, like he asked the question without being prepared to divulge his own answer.

“Within reason…” Negan muses out loud, “I guess wanting Taco Bell probably isn’t within reason.”

Carl laughs, surprised by the response and the near normalcy of their conversation. He almost forgot about Taco Bell; his dad and mom never let him have it much. But when they did he remembers how delicious it was. It strikes him then, how very human Negan is in this moment. Despite the world they live in now and what it’s made of the man before him, he’s still flesh and blood. He liked simple things and had a simple life; the same way all of them did before.

“Why do I get the feeling you were a pretty different person before all of this?” Carl asks before he can censor himself.

“It’s ‘cause you’re smart, kid.” The term is endearing and Negan’s eyes are soft.

Carl feels taken in by the kindness in his expression and the amicable compliment. The duality of Negan will forever be his weakness. The ability to instill fear with brute power and then dole out praises makes Carl’s head spin. He likes both facets of this man equally and he knows that makes him sick.

“I’m glad you’re here.” Carl finally admits what had weighed too heavily on his conscience before.

“So,” Negan begins, stepping into Carl’s personal space, “You gonna show me up to your room?”

 

A hundred thoughts are flitting through Carl’s mind all at once. The most prominent one circling over and over again is a question: _What the hell are you doing?_

Reason has long since abandoned Carl and now only adrenaline and lust are fueling him as he leads Negan upstairs. The man has seen his room before, but this time it’s different. There’s a promise in the air and miles of understanding between them.

When his bedroom door shuts behind them, Carl is determined this time. He approaches Negan in the center of his room. Negan is looking at him with a partial smirk and a question in his eyes. Carl takes the initiative and reaches for the man’s belt. He wants to prove he can take charge, that everything about Negan’s life which he finds so appealing is achievable through his own determination. Negan looks proud and Carl feels himself basking in it. When the belt is unlatched, he gets on his knees. He hears Negan exhale.

“Damn.” The word is a praise and Carl can’t get enough.

Carl pulls his jeans and boxers half way down. When Negan’s cock is exposed he has a moment of trepidation. He’s never done this before. When he looks up at him and sees the anticipation there he knows he can’t possibly fuck this up too much.

With his right hand he takes Negan’s length into his grasp to steady himself and leans forward, closing his mouth around Negan’s cock. His mouth has to stretch wider than he expected but slowly he adjusts and moves his head. His fist helps make up for what his mouth can’t cover. Negan is groaning above him, giving Carl encouragement to practice his technique.  

“You look so good with my cock in your mouth.” Carl finds himself moaning at Negan’s obscene comment. It urges him to hasten his pace. He tries applying suction and is rewarded with a sharp inhale.

Carl pulls back for a moment to catch his breath, letting his fist take on the work. He makes eye contact with Negan, biting his lip when he sees the older man’s heated expression. With a newfound burst of confidence, Carl maintains eye contact when he licks the head of Negan’s cock, swirling his tongue around it and focusing on the slit. Negan is running his hand through Carl’s hair now, occasionally pulling on it.

When he takes him fully into his mouth again, Carl can feel Negan slowly grinding into him. The sensation nearly makes him gag but luckily Negan isn’t pressing too hard. Carl matches his rhythm with Negan’s. A litany of groans and praises fill the space between them. Carl is enraptured, caught up in this new sensation and euphoric with the knowledge that he’s giving Negan pleasure.  When Carl feels Negan’s hips stuttering he knows what to expect. He hollows his cheeks and increases his pace mercilessly. Negan holds out for a moment longer before coming. Carl swallows around Negan’s cock, holding his breath and trying very hard not to choke. When he finally pulls off he takes several deep breathes.

Negan drops down to his knees, joining Carl on the floor. Negan drags his thumb down Carl’s bottom lip, “That mouth of yours was made for dick sucking.”

Carl sighs and closes his eyes, feeling entirely too turned on by Negan’s lewd remark.  

A sudden commotion outside dissolves the moment. Negan stands, pulling his pants up. He makes his way to the window and peers outside.

He sighs heavily, “Fuck. The funs over.”

Carl looks up, confused.

Negan turns back to him, “Your dad’s home.”

Fear clutches at Carl’s insides like a vice, like nothing he’s ever felt before.


	11. Eleven

“You have to sneak out the back.” Carl hears his own voice as if it’s from far away.

“Sneak out the back?” Negan reiterates with great distaste, turning from the window.

“Please,” Carl pleads, “Pretend you were at the pantry the whole time.”

Negan looks at him thoughtfully, “He’s suspicious, huh?”

Carl bites his tongue. 

“They saw us walk away together.” Negan reminds him.

Negan can see the panic rolling off Carl in waves, his expression turns sympathetic.

“Shit. Okay. If it’ll ease your mind.” He concedes.

Carl nods, “Yeah, thank you.”

Negan approaches Carl, still on his knees and in a state.

“No problem.” He ruffles Carl’s hair before hustling downstairs.

Carl takes a fortifying breath to regain his composure. He runs a shaky hand through his hair and follows in Negan’s wake. He heads to the kitchen where he carefully puts away the two glasses that had been sitting out on the counter. He’s rinsing them in the sink when Rick’s voice startles him: “Where is he?”

He looks up, soapy glass still in his grasp.

“They just got here, he’s by the pantry.” Carl offers.

Rick stares at him a moment, assessing something Carl doesn’t want to guess at.

“Okay, I’m headed over there.”

Rick turns on his heel and heads out the door. It dawns on Carl that even if he’s smoothed this moment over, Rick still knows that something has transpired between them. His confession could lead to his dad going off on Negan and that would end in bad news for one or both of them. He carelessly drops the glass in the sink and wipes his hands on his jeans before following in Rick’s footsteps.

When he gets to the pantry Rick is already questioning Negan, both standing close together.

“Why are you here? You’re not scheduled to collect your shit.” The venom in his dad’s voice worries Carl. Negan smiles and shrugs.

“Thought I’d stop by and make sure you guys are on track. By the looks of it, I’d say you have some serious fucking scavenging to do.” Negan looks deadly serious.

Carl is watching them both stare each other down. Carl wants to intervene in a way that will be helpful but he’s not sure that’s plausible. When the tension feels nearly unbearable Negan takes a step back from Rick.

“Besides,” Negan starts pleasantly, “Do I need an excuse to visit you, Rick? I always look forward to these moments.” Negan’s grin is eerily similar to the one’s he’s given Carl.

Carl finds himself uncharacteristically jealous and annoyed by the situation. He decides to speak up.

“We’ll have what you need when you visit next.” Carl’s voice sounds more reassuring than he feels. He knows this whole interaction is a game, and he can’t help but play. Or maybe he wants to stake a claim in what is his, to prove that he has a rapport with Negan and whatever he sees happening between his dad and him can’t possibly be the same.

Negan looks delighted when he hears Carl speaking. Rick has turned to him with sheer annoyance furrowing his brow.

“Well then!” Negan says loudly and full of cheer, “I’ll leave it to you to get the work done.” Negan flashes him a wink and begins to walk away.

Rick’s fists are visibly clenching. Carl closes his eye, thankful this exchange is coming to an end. The crowd disperses around him. He doesn’t watch as Negan leaves this time. This was a close call and Carl senses now that maybe it wasn’t worth it for either of them.

When Carl finally looks back up at his dad, Rick is busy watching everyone depart around them.

“How did it go at the Kingdom?” Carl decides to ask, not waiting for Rick to unleash a diatribe on him.

Rick looks at him like he still wants to be pissed at him, his hands are on his hips and his expression is pinched. Carl waits patiently.

Rick sighs, “It went well. Very well.”

“I’m glad.” Carl replies honestly. He’s truly not sure how much more of all of this he can take. For the first time Carl thinks that life might be a lot easier with Negan behind bars. No matter how selfish he’s been and still feels he can’t deny the absolute turmoil that Negan causes everyone in his path.

“Can I do anything to help?” Carl asks, wanting to feel useful for once.

Ricks expression softens by a fraction, “We’re having a meeting tonight. You can join us for that. Michonne and I… we’ll be going over the plan now that the Kingdom wants to be involved. We’re gaining numbers.”

Carl nods taking it all in. The sky is turning to dusk around them and the saviors trucks are only a faint sound in the distance as they retreat from Alexandria.

Later that night Carl is in a room full of familiar faces. He’s known some of these people for years, others only for a few months. He would risk anything for the majority of them. Rick’s voice reaches him in waves; parts are in focus and others he misses altogether. Carl knows he’s flown too close to the sun. So has Negan, but he doesn’t have the luxury of that knowledge. Not for the first time, Carl feels uncommonly sad. He wonders what his life would have been like had the world not ended and the dead remained dead. Negan might have been his coach in a different city, in a different life. The longing for normalcy is almost a tangible agony. Carl decides to refocus his energy on the meeting.  When he looks over at his dad, Rick nods at him. He turns to Michonne and she smiles gently.

Their faces remind him that he still has a future worth fighting for.


End file.
